英語幽默笑話1

　　Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt.A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms.Jack finished them and gave them back."Anything else?" The nurse asked."Yes,"Jack thinks for a while and said,"I'm a bachelor."

　　杰克騎車摔傷,得住院治療.一位年輕美貌的護士拿著表格讓填.仞杰克填好遞上表格"還有什么漏填的?"護士問."有!"杰克想了想說,"我是個單身漢."

　　二、死于肝癌的人100%都吃飯

　　Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho.

　　Husband:It's okey.To my investigation,all Thespeopleeat meals.

　　妻子：你看這張報紙,據(jù)統(tǒng)計,死于肝癌的人80%都是喝酒的.

　　丈夫：那有什么?據(jù)我**,死于肝癌的人100%都吃飯的.

　　三、位置上的冰激凌

　　"Excuse me,but the seat you've taken is mine."

　　"Yours?Can you prove it?"

　　"Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it."

　　"請原諒,你占了我的位置."

　　"你的位置?你能征明這點嗎?"

　　"能,我在位置上放了杯 冰激凌."

　　四、別無選擇

　　One day,Eve asked Adam,"Doyou really love me?"

　　Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?"

　　一天,夏娃問亞當："你當真愛我嗎?"

　　亞當無可奈何地回答："我還有的選擇嗎?"

　　五、兩個男孩

　　Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

　　The teacher says,"Why are you arguing?"

　　One boy answers,"We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

　　"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher,"When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

　　The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

　　當老師走進教室時,兩個男孩在爭論.

　　老師是說：你們在爭論什么?

　　一個男孩回答：‘我們撿到一張10塊,我們決定把它給一個說最大的謊的人.’

　　‘你們應該覺得羞恥’老師說,‘當我像你們那么大的時候,我連什么是說謊都不知道.’

　　兩個男孩把錢給了那個老師.

　　六、兩只鳥

　　Teacher:Here are two birds,one is a swallow,the other is sparrow.Now who can tell us which is which?

　　Student:I cannot point out but I know the answer.

　　Teacher:Please tell us.

　　Student:The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

　　老師：這兒有兩只鳥,一只是麻雀.誰能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀嗎?

　　學生：我指不出,但我知道答案.

　　老師：請說說看.

　　學生：燕子旁邊的`就是麻雀,麻雀旁邊的就是燕子.

　　七、魚網(wǎng)

　　"Can you tell me what fish net is made,Ann?"

　　"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

　　"你能告訴我魚網(wǎng)是什么做的嗎," 老師發(fā)問道.

　　"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網(wǎng)了." 小女孩回答道.

　　八、他贏了

　　Tommy:How is your little brother,Johnny?Johnny:He is ill in bed.He hurt himself.

　　Tommy:That's too bad.How did that happen?

　　Johnny:We played who could lean furthest out of the window,and he won.

　　湯姆：約翰尼,你小弟弟好嗎?

　　約翰尼：他害病臥床了.他受了傷.

　　湯姆：真糟糕,怎么回事兒?

　　約翰尼：我們做游戲,看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠,他贏了.

　　選我吧

英語幽默笑話2

　　心不在焉的老師

　　An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor.How are you? “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me.I've been limping for the last half hour.”

　　有一天，人們看見一個有名的心不在焉的老師在路上走，他的一只腳一直踏在街溝里，另一只腳踩在人行道上。 一個碰見他的學生說： “晚安，老師。您怎么了?” “啊，”這位老師回答說：“我想我離開家的時候還挺好的，可是現(xiàn)在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已經(jīng)一瘸一拐走了半個小時了�！�

英語幽默笑話3

　　為什么六怕七呢?

　　Q: Why was six scared of seven?

　　A: Because seven "ate" nine.

　　問題：為什么六怕七呢?

　　回答：因為七連九都能吃掉呢!

　　(笑點：本應該是seven eight nine, 但是利用了發(fā)音相同，將eight用ate(吃)替換掉了。)

英語幽默笑話4

　　Eating out

　　外出就餐

　　When the bill arrives ,Mark, Chris ,Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill , out come the pocket calculators.

　　買單的時候，阿麥，阿克、阿力和阿湯每人都甩出20塊錢，雖然其實一共只吃了32塊50沒人有更小的票子了，也沒人愿意承認他們其實想把票子破開。女人買單時，每人掏出個計算器。

英語幽默笑話5

　　成年人的抉擇

　　The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a have tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for one.He argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make * decisions. Sure enough,a few days after his 18th birthday,he come home with a tattoo. Although l was not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculin', he had chosen. There, on his shoulder,was a two inch image of Mickey Mouse.

　　我兒子十八歲前的那一年，常常向我提出準許他文身。但我拒絕允許他這么做。他爭辯說他不久就要成為男子漢了，并說他應該能夠做出成年人的抉擇了。果然，十八歲生日的幾天后，他文了身，回到家里。盡管我對此感到不高興，但出于好奇，我想看看他選擇了什么雄性象征物。原來他在肩上文了一個兩英寸長的米老鼠像。

英語幽默笑話5篇擴展閱讀

英語幽默笑話5篇（擴展1）

——幽默的英語笑話短文 (菁選5篇)

幽默的英語笑話短文1

　　The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.

　　"You have your choice of two brains," he told the patient,"For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist,or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician."

　　The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price."Is the brain of a politician that much better?" he asked.

　　The Brain Surgeon replied,"No,it’s not better,just unused."

　　一個外科醫(yī)生正要作一個腦移植手術(shù)。

　　“你可以從兩個腦子中選一個給你�！贬t(yī)生告訴病人，“一個心理學家的大腦1000美元，一個***的大腦10000美元。

　　病人很驚訝二者之間這樣大的.差別，“***的大腦好一些嗎?”他問。

　　醫(yī)生說：“不是好一些，只是沒有用過�！�

幽默的英語笑話短文2

　　Mike:Mum,I want to watch TV.

　　Mum:There is no electricity tonight.

　　Mike:Then let's watch TVwith a candie on.

　　邁克：媽媽，我想看電視。

　　媽媽：今晚停電了。

　　邁克：那我們就點著蠟燭看吧。

幽默的英語笑話短文3

　　The Fish Net

　　"Can you tell me what fish net is made,Ann?"

　　"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

　　"你能告訴我魚網(wǎng)是什么做的嗎，安?" 老師發(fā)問道。

　　"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網(wǎng)了。" 小女孩回答道。

幽默的英語笑話短文4

　　Little Robert asked his mother for two cents."What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

　　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

　　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly."Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

　　"She is the one who sells the candy."

　　小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

　　“昨天給你的錢干什么了?”

　　“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說�！霸俳o你兩分錢。可你為什么對那位老太太那么感興趣呢?”

　　“她是個賣糖果的。”

幽默的英語笑話短文5

　　It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate,a plump,middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind,lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back.Her momentum carried her close to my shoes.Before I could help her,however,she had scrambled up.Gaining her composure,she winked at me and said,"Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"

　　上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕一趟火車。接近門口，一位肥胖的中年婦女從后面沖過來，沒想到在*滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正準備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮(zhèn)定了一下，對我擠了一下眉，說道：“總是有漂亮女人拜倒在你腳下嗎?”

英語幽默笑話5篇（擴展2）

——生活幽默英語笑話

生活幽默英語笑話1

　　On a special Teacher's Day,a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. First, the florist's son handed her a gift.

　　在教師節(jié)里，一位幼兒園教師正在接受孩子們送給她的禮物，首先花匠的`兒子遞上他的禮物。

　　A:I bet I know what it is...some flowers.

　　我敢打賭我知道里面是什么……是一些花。

　　B:That is right, but how did you know?

　　是的，可是你是怎么知道的呢?

　　A:Just a wild guess.

　　瞎猜的。

　　(The second pupil is the candy store owner's daughter.The teacher hands her gift over head.

　　第二個學生是糖果店老板的女兒。老師把她送的禮物舉起來。)

　　A:I bet I can guess what it is...a box of candy.

　　我敢打賭我知道里面是什么，是一盒糖果。

　　C:That's right. But how did you know?

　　對了，但你怎么知道的?

　　A:Just a lucky guess.

　　碰巧猜出來的。

　　(The third gift is from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher holds it over head but it is leaking. She touches a drop of the leakage with her finger and tastes it.

　　第三份禮物來自于酒店老板的兒子，老師把它舉起來，但有液體漏了出來，她用手蘸了一滴漏出來的液體，嘗了一下味道。)

　　A:Is it wine?

　　是果酒嗎?

　　D:No.

　　不是。

　　(The teacher repeated the process touching another drop of leakage to her tongue.

　　老師又用舌頭嘗了一滴漏出來的東西。)

　　A:Is it champagne?

　　是香檳嗎?

　　D:No.

　　不是。

　　A:Now, I give up. What is it?

　　好吧，我猜不著了，里面到底是什么呢?

　　D:A puppy.

英語幽默笑話5篇短文

　　是一只小狗。

英語幽默笑話5篇（擴展3）

——英語幽默冷笑話

英語幽默冷笑話1

　　A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. Well, sit down and eat your tea, said his mother. Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it.

　　Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

　　That's because it's empty, said his bright son. You'd be all right if you had something in it.

　　一個男孩放學回家時，覺得肚子痛。來，坐下，吃點點心，媽媽說，你肚子痛是因為肚子是空的。吃點東西就會好的。

　　一會兒，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，說是頭痛。

　　你頭痛是因為你的腦袋是空的.，他那聰明的兒子說，里面裝點東西，就會好的。

英語幽默笑話5篇（擴展4）

——初中幽默英語笑話帶翻譯3篇

初中幽默英語笑話帶翻譯1

　　Okay, this is an actual episode of the Newlywed Game.

　　這是在新婚夫婦間進行游戲時發(fā)生的真實插曲。

　　The question was "What is your husband's favorite South American country?"

　　問題是:“說出你的丈夫最喜歡的一個南美洲的國家�！�

　　The first wife answered Brazil.

　　第一個妻子的回答是巴西。

　　The second wife was a bit puzzled as to what the term "South American" meant. She answered "New Mexico.” The MC explained to her that that was an U. S. state, not a South American country. Still confused as to what this strange adjective" South American" meant, she answered "Mexico.”

　　第二個妻子對南美洲的概念不是很清楚，她答道:“新墨西哥”�；槎Y主持人向她解釋說那只是**的一個州而不是南美的城市。但她還是沒弄清楚哪是“南美洲”，于是回答:“那就是墨西哥”。

　　The third wife was sure of her answer. She wasn't as confused as wife number two and showed it. When it came time to give her answer, she answered very confidently "I know what my husband’s favorite South American country is: it's Africa” The MC allowed it.

　　第三個妻子對自己的回答顯得胸有成竹，她不像剛才那個妻子那樣感到困惑不解，當輪到她回答時，她信心百倍地說:“我丈夫最喜歡的南美洲國家是非洲!”主持人點了點頭。

　　The fourth wife answered "Mexico" as well.

　　第四個妻子的答案同樣是“墨西哥”。

　　The only husband to give the same answer as his wife was the fourth, who answered "Mexico.”

　　只有一位丈夫—第四位妻子的.丈夫—給出了同妻子一樣的答案:“墨西哥”。

　　以上就是學習啦小編為大家?guī)�來的高中幽默英語笑話帶翻譯，希望大家喜歡!

初中幽默英語笑話帶翻譯2

　　An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

　　一個男人找到一個巫婆，要求她解開一條困擾了自己40年的咒語。

　　The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

　　巫婆說："或許我可以做的到，但你必須一字不落地告訴我下咒的時候說的那句咒語。"

　　The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."

　　男人毫不猶豫的答道：“‘我現(xiàn)在宣布你們成為夫婦�！�”

初中幽默英語笑話帶翻譯3

　　It’s sunny day in spring. Miss Cat is fishing.

　　這是春天里一個陽光明媚的日子，貓**在河邊釣魚。

　　Suddenly the fishing rod moves. “Great! Oh, it’s so heavy!” Miss Cat says happily.

　　突然魚竿動了動。“太棒了!哇，好重啊!”貓**高興地喊著。

　　The fish is plucked out of the river. “Oh, a big fish! How big the fish is!” She cheers.

　　魚被拉出來了�！鞍�!一條大魚!這條大魚可真大呀!”她歡呼道。

　　But she puts the fish into the river and goes on fishing.

　　但是她卻把魚放回河里，又繼續(xù)釣魚。

　　At the time, Mr. House goes by and sees it. “What do you set it free?” He asks.

　　這時候馬先生路過，看見這一切，就問她：“為什么你把魚放了?”

　　“Because my pot is too small. I can’t cook it,” Miss Cat says.

　　“因為我的鍋太小。我沒辦法燒這么大的魚�！必�**回答說。

英語幽默笑話5篇（擴展5）

——短幽默英語笑話 (菁選3篇)

短幽默英語笑話1

　　A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two

　　suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

　　So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls

　　his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

　　Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

　　"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

　　"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

短幽默英語笑話2

　　There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

　　Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.

　　Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.

　　Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.

　　Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

　　Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car."

　　Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

短幽默英語笑話3

　　A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamsbloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

　　After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

　　"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

　　"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

　　"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

英語幽默笑話5篇（擴展6）

——簡單幽默英語笑話 (菁選3篇)

簡單幽默英語笑話1

　　I was taking my mother for a drive，and she' d scold me whenever I went over the speed limit. Unfortunately I dismissed her advice，and a state trooper gulled me over and issued a ticket.

　　每次我開快車超速行駛，母親都責怪我。今天我又開車帶母親出去，結(jié)果我還是忘記了她的教侮，開了快車。一位巡邏警叫我停了車，并給了我張罰單。

　　As my mother and I continued on our way，I complained that he should have let rne off with a warning."Joan,"she said，"I gave you the warning. He gave you the ticket. "

　　我們繼續(xù)趕路，我抱怨那巡邏警不應罰我，應先給我個警告。媽媽說:“瓊，我給你的是警告，但他給你的是罰單�！�

簡單幽默英語笑話2

　　First woman:"Working full time and trying to do the housework really gets to me. After work yesterday I came home and washed the clothes and the dishes. Tomorrow I have to wash the kitchen floor and the front windows..."

　　第一個婦女:“工作一整天后還要做家務(wù)，可真夠我受的。你看，我回家后要洗衣服、洗碗。明天，我還要擦洗廚房的地板和前門的窗戶……”

　　Second woman:"What about your husband?"

　　第二個婦女:“那你丈夫呢?”

　　First woman:"Absolutely not! He can wash himself.”

　　第一個婦女:“他絕不用我洗，他自己會洗。”

簡單幽默英語笑話3

　　Our oldest son, Willy, a helicopter pilot stationed at Fort Rucker，Alaska, lives and breathes flying. When he called to say he'd be driving home for Christmas，a 16-hour trip,we were surprised. "Why don`t you fly home?"my wife asked.

　　我的大兒子威利，是阿拉斯加州福特羅克墓地的一名直升飛機駕駛員，生活、呼吸在飛行中。圣誕節(jié)快到的時侯，他打電話告訴我們他要駕車回來，有16個小時的旅途。我們嚇了一跳。“你為什么不***回來呢?”我妻子問他。

　　"Because,"Willy replied, "I hate riding in the back!”

　　威利說:“因為我討厭坐在飛機的后面�！�

英語幽默笑話5篇（擴展7）

——有趣幽默英語笑話 (菁選2篇)

有趣幽默英語笑話1

　　今天英語課，老師問我們怎么去南京，有人說：by car，有人說：on foot。

　　我就想到了騎馬去，問我智慧的同桌：騎馬用英語咋么說?

　　她淡定的'告訴我：嘚兒駕!

有趣幽默英語笑話2

　　Fat Man and Thin Man 饑荒可能是你造成的

　　A very thin man met a very fat man in the hotel lobby. "From your looks," said the fat man, "there might have been a famine." "Yes," was the re*, "and from your looks, you might have caused it."

　　在旅館大廳里，一個非常瘦的人遇到了一個非常胖的人。 胖子說：“看你的樣子，可能有過饑荒。” “是的，”瘦子回答說，“看你的樣子，饑荒可能是你造成的。”

英語幽默笑話5篇（擴展8）

——英語幽默小笑話-英語幽默短笑話加翻譯 (菁選2篇)

英語幽默小笑話-英語幽默短笑話加翻譯1

　　1.I Wasn't Asleep

　　When a group of women got on the car,every seat was already occupied.The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep,and fearing he might miss his stop,he nudged him and said:"Wake up,sir!"

　　"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.

　　"Not asleep?But you had your eyes closed."

　　"I know.I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."

　　我沒有睡著

　　當一群婦女上車之后,車上的座位全都被占滿了.售票員注意到一名男子好象是睡著了,他擔心這個人會坐過站,就用肘輕輕地碰了碰他,說：“先生,醒醒!”

　　“我沒有睡著.”那個男人回答.

　　“沒睡著?可是你眼睛都閉**呀?”

　　“我知道,我只是不愿意看到在擁擠的車上有女士站在我身邊而已.

　　2.Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

　　"Look," said the elder brother."How nice these paintings are!"

　　"Yes," said the younger,"but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children.Where is the father?"

　　The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained,"Obviously he was painting the pictures."

　　父親在哪兒?

　　兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫.

　　“看,”哥哥說,“這些畫多漂亮呀!”

　　“是啊,”弟弟說道,“可是在所有這些畫中,只有媽媽和孩子.那爸爸去哪兒了呢?”

　　哥哥想了會兒,然后解釋道：“很明顯,他當時正在畫這些畫唄.

　　3.The poor husband

　　"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend."She asks me a question,then answers it herself,and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.

　　可憐的丈夫

　　“你根本無法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的難,”一個男人對他的朋友訴苦說,“她問我一個問題,然后自己回答了,過后又花半個小時跟我解釋為什么我的答案是錯的.”Where is the father?

　　4.two clock has been busy all his life.One day,an old clock to a ton said:"you a year to put 525600 it with me." Very frightened,and said,"wow,so much,how could it be?!How can I finish under so much!" By this time,another old clock say with smile:"don't be afraid,you need only a second place once every second,insist to come down." Very happy,thinking about:a second place once didn't seem hard,have a try.Sure enough,very easily and then put to it.Imperceptible in the past year,has put the 525600 ton!兩只鐘已經(jīng)忙活了一輩子.有一天,一只老鐘對一只小鐘說：“你一年里要擺525600下啦.” 小鐘嚇壞了,說“哇,這么多,這怎么可能?!我怎么能完成那么多下呢!” 這時候,另一只老鐘笑著說：“不用怕,你只需一秒鐘擺一下,每一秒堅持下來就可以了.” 小鐘高興了,想著：一秒鐘擺一下好像并不難啊,試試看吧.果然,很輕松地就擺了一下.不知不覺一年過去了,小鐘已經(jīng)擺了525600下!

　　5.A little pig,a sheep and a head of cows,was held in the same corral.Once,the shepherd caught little pig,it loud screaming,fiercely resist.Sheep and cows hate its howling,then say:he often catch us,we are not at.The pig to answer a way:catch you and catch me completely different things,he catch you,just to your hair and milk,but who caught me,but to my life!一只小豬、一只綿羊和一頭乳牛,被關(guān)在同一個畜欄里.有一次,牧人捉住小豬,它大聲號叫,猛烈地抗拒.綿羊和乳牛討厭它的號叫,便說：他常常捉我們,我們并不大呼小叫.小豬聽了回答道：捉你們和捉我完全是兩回事,他捉你們,只是要你們的毛和乳汁,但是捉住我,卻是要我的命呢!

　　6.France a remote town,reportedly has a special predictions springs of water,often appear signs,can cure all sorts of illnesses.One day,a walks with a cane,little legs of veterans,a lame lame walk through the town of road,next to the town with the sympathy to kiss said:poor guy,will he ask god for have a leg?This sentence is the army soldiers heard,he turned around and said to them,I'm not going to ask god has a new leg,but to ask him to help me,that I don't have a leg,also know how to make a living.法國一個偏僻的小鎮(zhèn),據(jù)傳有一個特別靈驗的水泉,常會出現(xiàn)神跡,可以醫(yī)治各種疾病.有一天,一個拄著拐杖,少了一條腿的退伍**,一跛一跛的走過鎮(zhèn)上的馬路,旁邊的鎮(zhèn)民帶著同情的回吻說：可憐的家伙,難道他要向上帝祈求再有一條腿嗎?這一句話被退伍的**聽到了,他轉(zhuǎn)過身對他們說：我不是要向上帝祈求有一條新的腿,而是要祈求他幫助我,叫我沒有一條腿后,也知道如何過日子.

　　7.A old man in the fishing by the river,a child walk through to see his fishing,the old man skilled,so before long it caught a full basket of fish,the old man saw a child is very lovely,to put the whole basket fish gave him,children shook his head,the old man amazing asked:why don't you?The little boy replied:I want you to the hands of the rod.The old man asked:do you want to fishing pole?The child said:this basket fish before long it finished eat,if I have the rod and I also can catch,lifetime could eat.有個老人在河邊釣魚,一個小孩走過去看他釣魚,老人技巧純熟,所以沒多久就釣**滿簍的魚,老人見小孩很可愛,要把整簍的魚送給他,小孩搖搖頭,老人驚異的問道：你為何不要?小孩回答：我想要你手中的釣竿.老人問：你要釣竿做什么?小孩說：這簍魚沒多久就吃完了,要是我有釣竿,我就可以自己釣,一輩子也吃不完.

　　8.I Didn't Notice It Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that? Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn't notice the other.

　　9.Ah, Kids Like a good father, I took my 4-year old daughter to a so-called "rug concert" at her music school one Saturday morning, called that because you sit on the rug in a group and sing songs. We sat beside a young, attractive mother and her son, and I struck up a friendly conversation with the mother during the concert. I thought I was in trouble when, as soon as we got home, my daughter burst through the front door and announced to my wife that "Daddy met a Mommy."

　　10.Two Pounds of Plums Mother: I sent my little boy for two pounds of plums and you gave him a pound and a half. Shopkeeper: My scales are all right, madam. Have you weighted your little boy?

　　上個星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you

　　know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著

　　性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎么反應這么快, 聯(lián)想力這么豐富時,旁邊的

　　一個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有一個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之一就是

　　A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟

　　能詳?shù)泥? 下次就換你去取笑老美了.上帝曾經(jīng)答應我

　　Once god came up 2 me & granted me a wish. I asked 4 world peace. That's impossible, he said.

　　有一次上帝來到我面前答應了我一個愿望。我說我要世界和*�！澳鞘遣豢赡艿摹彼�說。

　　Then I asked him 2 give u brains. He said, "Let me try world peace".

　　然后我請讓你變聰明。他說：“你還是讓我試試讓世界和*吧�！� 1.Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?

　　Jack: Certainly.

　　Tom: And why?

　　Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.

　　湯姆：威廉向我借五英鎊。我該不該借給他?

　　杰克：當然應該了。

　　湯姆：為什么?

英語幽默笑話15則

　　杰克：否則他就該跟我借了

　　2.I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable com*r with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded.

　　'Why are you so nervous?' I asked him.

　　'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed.

　　我陪丈夫一起出差，他帶著他的手提式計算機。機場出口處檢查員要他打開包。他耐心的等著我那窘迫的丈夫設(shè)法回想起暗鎖的密碼。最后他終于想起來了。

　　“你為什么那么緊張呢?”我問他。

　　“這密碼是我們結(jié)婚紀念日。”他承認道

　　3.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?

　　Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.

　　媽媽：你為什么不停地跳上跳下的?

　　湯姆：我剛吃完藥，可我忘了先搖動瓶子了

　　4.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

　　On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'

　　My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'

　　一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來后發(fā)現(xiàn)車身沾滿灰塵，于是擦洗了一陣。當我終于走進屋里時大聲喊：“世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃�！�

　　我丈夫抬頭看了看，說：“媽媽來了?”

　　5.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.

　　'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'

　　'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.

　　瑪麗非常討厭丈夫吸煙，一天對他抱怨說：“我希望有一天所有卷煙廠都失火�！�

　　“不用擔心，親愛的，所有的煙卷遲早都會點著的�！彼�笑著說。 Good Boy

　　Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

　　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

　　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

　　"She is the one who sells the candy."

　　好孩子

　　小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

　　“昨天給你的錢干什么了?”

　　“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說�！霸俳o你兩分錢�？赡銥槭裁磳δ俏焕咸�太那么感興趣呢?”

　　“她是個賣糖果的�！�

　　Nest and Hair

　　My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.

　　"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.

　　"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.

　　"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .

　　"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

　　Notes:

　　(1) inform v.告訴

　　(2) nest n.窩;巢

　　(3) description n.描述

　　(4) encourage v.鼓勵

　　(5) resemble v. 相似;類似

　　18.鳥窩與頭發(fā)

　　我姐姐是一位小學老師。一次一個學生告訴她說一只鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。

　　“是什么鳥呢?”我姐姐問她。

　　“我沒看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩。”那孩子回答說。

　　“那么，你能給我們描述一下這個鳥巢嗎?”我姐姐鼓勵她道。

　　“哦，老師，就像你的頭發(fā)一樣�！�

　　I've Just Bitten My Tongue

　　"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.

　　"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"

　　"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

　　Notes:

　　(1) poisonous adj.有毒的

　　(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因為我剛咬了自己的舌頭。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的縮略形式。

　　我剛咬破自己的舌頭

　　“我們有毒嗎?”一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。

　　“是的，親愛的，”她回答說，“你問這個干什么?”

　　“因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭�！�

　　A Woman Who Fell

　　It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"

　　摔倒的女人

　　上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕一趟火車。接近門口，一位肥胖的中年婦女從后面沖過來，沒想到在*滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正準備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮(zhèn)定了一下，對我擠了一下眉，說道：“總是有漂亮女人拜倒在你腳下嗎?”

　　Mr. Johnson: Are you using you mower this afternoon?

　　Mr.Smith: Yes.

　　Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it?

　　約翰遜先生：今天下午你準備用割草機嗎?

　　史密斯先生：是的。

　　約翰遜先生：太好了。既然您不用網(wǎng)球拍，那我可以借用一下嗎?

　　An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman:' How much this stuff?'

　　'Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap.' The lady said, 'It is too much, give it to me for fourteen.' 'I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven.'

　　'It is still too much,' replied the old lady, 'give it to me for five.'

　　一位耳聾并且總是嫌東西太貴的老太太走進一家商店。

　　她問店員：“這東西要多少錢?”

　　“七美元，太太，這是很便宜的�！� 老太太說：“太貴了，十四美元差不多�！�

　　店員忙說：“我沒說十七美元，是七美元�！�

　　“還是太貴，”老太太說：“五美元，我就買啦�！�

　　3.一)小明上英文課時跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?

　　老師說：Go ahead。小明就坐了下來。

　　過了一會兒，小明又跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?

　　老師說：Go ahead。小明又坐了下來。

　　他旁邊的同學于是忍不住問：你不是跟老師說要上廁所嗎?怎么不去?

　　小明說：你沒聽老師說“去你個頭”啊!

　　(二)一對熱戀中的男女。女生非常沒有安全感，于是對著男友說：“

　　SAY I LOVEYOU!! SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!”

　　男的答道：“I T!”

　　(三)一位在美的留學

　　生，想要考國際駕照。在考試時因為過于緊張，

　　看到地上標線是向左轉(zhuǎn)。

　　他不放心的問道：turn left?

　　監(jiān)考官回答:right。于是他立刻向右轉(zhuǎn)……

　　(四)某人刻苦學習英語，終有小成。一日上街不慎與一老外相撞，

　　忙說：I am sorry。

　　老外應道：I am sorry too。

　　4.He is really somebody

　　-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

　　-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

　　-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

　　他真是一個***

　　-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。

　　-- 他真是一個***。干什么的?

　　-- 墓地守墓人。

　　5.Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

　　At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

　　它們是從**直接帶來的

　　一位*老婦人在**看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行柜臺，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。

　　這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最后實在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從**直接帶來的。”

　　6.Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

　　A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

　　猴子會和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧?

　　Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

　　A: By treading on his corn?

　　如果你踩了農(nóng)夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定會生氣的;而如果你踩了農(nóng)夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“雞眼”的意思。

　　Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

　　A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

　　因為snail(蝸牛)的后背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢?

　　Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

　　A: They make faces all day.

　　一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鐘表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀!因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為制造鐘面。

　　Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

　　A: Keep him awake.

　　怎樣才能不讓夢游者(sleepwalker)夢游(walk in his sleep)呢?最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢游了。

　　7.和上帝對話 edmpdue edmpdue A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" edmpdue edmpdue 一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"那一百萬年呢?"上帝說:"一秒鐘."最后男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鐘."edmpdue He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他贏了 湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎? 約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。 湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒? 約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。 I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。**媽問，“發(fā)生了什么事?” “一個男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說。 “再見到他你能認出來嗎?”媽媽問。 “他走到哪里我都能認出他，”伊凡說。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢�！� A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。 “昨天給你的錢干什么了?” “我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說�！霸俳o你兩分錢�？赡銥槭裁磳δ俏焕咸�太那么感興趣呢?” “她是個賣糖果的。” Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家里沒有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片奶酪回到房間，把奶酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把奶酪放進嘴里說：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比****好。你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夾上，先生�！蹦切∧泻⒄f。 Good News And Bad News "There's good news and bad news," the porce lawyer told his client. "I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?" "Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement." "And the bad news?" "After the porce, she's marrying your father." 好消息和壞消息 “有好消息，也有壞消息，”離婚律師告訴他的當事人。 “我總能聽到一些好消息吧，”當事人嘆了口氣說，“是什么好消息?” “你妻子沒有要求將你未來的繼承財產(chǎn)也劃入裁決的范圍。” “那么壞消息呢?” “離婚以后，她將與你父親結(jié)婚�！� ____________________________________________ The New Teacher George comes from school on the first of September. "George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother. "I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....." 新老師 9月1日， 喬治放學回到家里。 “喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎?” 媽媽問。 “媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6�！�

　　8.Saving a dollar

　　Johnny:"Dad,would you be glad if I saved a dollar for you?"

　　Dad :"Naturally ,my son .

　　Johnny:"Well, I have saved one dollar for you .You said that if I brought a good mark this week ,you would give me a dollar and I haven't brought one."

　　9.Jack's answer

　　The teacher is asking an arithmetic question:"Jack, if you foung three dollars in your right pocket and two dollars in your left pocket ,what would you have ?"

　　Jack:"I must have somebody else's pants on ."

　　10.A Drunkard

英語幽默笑話300篇

　　A drunkard in a bar saw a man coming in with a duck under his arm and asked,"What are you doing with the pig?"

　　The new comer said it was a duck ,not a pig.

　　"I was talking to the duck ,not to you," the drunkard replied.

　　11.Best time

　　Teacher :"When is the best time to pick the fruit from the trees?"

　　Student:"When the watchman is not here."

　　12.I don't know

　　Teacher :"Tom,what are the three words which you use most often in the class?"

　　Tom:"I don't know."

　　Teacher:"You're right."

英語幽默小笑話-英語幽默短笑話加翻譯2

　　英語幽默短笑話加翻譯

　　1.One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"

　　一天，有一個城市里的游客來到一個小鄉(xiāng)村，在鄉(xiāng)間路上開著車，想看看農(nóng)莊是什么樣子，也想看看農(nóng)夫怎樣種田過日子。這位城里人看見一位農(nóng)夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱著一頭豬，并把它舉得高高的，好讓它能夠吃到樹上的蘋果。城里人對農(nóng)夫說，"我看你的豬挺喜歡吃蘋果的，但是，這不是很浪費時間嗎?"那位農(nóng)夫 回答說，"時間對豬有什么意義?"

　　2.a kiss At a dinner party, the speaker, who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver a speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it. The guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife must love you very much, I see her send you a 'KISS' before you begin your speech." The speaker smiled and explained, "You don't know my wife. The 'KISS' she give me stands for 'Keep It Short, Stupid.'"

　　3.The mean man's party

　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment,he said,"Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open,push with your foot."

　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"

　　"Well,gosh," was the re*,"You're not coming empty-hangded,are you?吝嗇鬼請客

　　一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終于決定要請一次客了.他在向一個朋友解釋怎么找到他家時說：“你上到五樓,找中間那個門,然后用你的胳膊肘按門鈴.門開了之后,再用你的腳把門推開.”

　　“為什么要用我的肘和腳呢?”

　　“你的雙手得拿禮物啊.天哪,你總不會空著手來吧?”吝嗇鬼回答.

　　I think that I'm a chicken

　　Psychiatrist:What's your problem?

　　Patient:I think I'm a chicken.

　　Psychiatrist:How long has this been going on?

　　Patient:Ever since I was an egg!

　　精神病醫(yī)師：你哪里不舒服?

　　病人：我認為我是一只雞.

　　精神病醫(yī)師：這種情況從什么時候開始的?

　　病人：從我還是一只蛋的時候開始.

　　4.The Fish Net

　　Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?

　　A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl.

　　魚網(wǎng)

　　你能告訴我魚網(wǎng)是什么做的嗎，安? 老師發(fā)問道。

　　把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網(wǎng)了。 小女孩回答道。

　　2、The New Teacher

　　George comes from school on the first of September.

　　George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.

　　I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too.....

　　新老師

　　9月1日， 喬治放學回到家里。

　　喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎? 媽媽問。

　　媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6。

　　5.The Looney Bin Late one night at the insane asylum (瘋?cè)嗽?one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

　　瘋?cè)嗽?/p>

　　一天晚上，在瘋?cè)嗽豪�，一個病人說：“我是拿破侖!”另一個說：“你怎么知道?”第一個人說：“上帝對我說的!”一會兒，一個聲音從另一個房間傳來：“我沒說!”

　　6.a great man Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today? Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.

　　一名偉人

　　老師：如果莎士比亞還活著，他會是一名偉人嗎? 學生：當然。因為到目前為止，還沒有人活到400多歲。

　　7.律師、寶馬和胳膊》

　　一個律師打開他的寶馬車門，突然一輛汽車駛過來把門撞飛了，**趕到現(xiàn)場，律師正痛苦地抱怨毀壞了他心愛的寶馬。

　　“**同志，看看他們把我的車弄的!!!”律師哀怨地說。

　　“你們律師真是物質(zhì)至上，我很不舒服!”**反駁說，“你這么關(guān)心你可惡的寶馬，你可能沒有注意到你的左胳膊也沒了�！�

　　律師終于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的勞力士手表在哪兒?”

　　A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

　　"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

　　"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

　　《狗住旅店》

　　一個人給一家他計劃在假期里停留的小旅館寫了封信，“我非常希望帶著我的狗，它很干凈很有教養(yǎng)，你能允許它和我睡一間屋子嗎?”

　　旅館主人立即回了封信，“我經(jīng)營旅館很多年了，狗從沒偷過毛巾，床單， 餐具，或者墻上的畫。我也從沒有在半夜因為狗喝醉胡鬧而趕走它，狗也從不不付帳就跑掉。實際上我們非常歡迎您的狗來我們旅館，如果它為您擔保，也歡迎您來。

　　A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

　　An immediate re* came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

　　8.Who Is the Laziest?

　　Father:Well,Tom,I asked to your teacher today,and now I want to ask you a question.Who is the laziest person in your class?

　　Tom:I don't know,father.

　　Father:Oh,yes,you do!Think!When other boys and girls are doing and writing,who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?

　　Tom:Our teacher,father.

　　中文：

　　父親：哎,湯姆,今天我跟你們老師談過,現(xiàn)在我想問你個問題.你們班上誰最懶?

　　湯姆：我不知道,爸爸.

　　父親：啊,不對,你知道!想想看,當別的孩子們都在做作業(yè)、寫字時,誰在課堂上坐著,只是看人家做功課?

　　湯姆：我們老師,爸爸.

　　9.Boxing and Running Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box." Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."

　　拳擊和賽跑

　　丹在教他的兒子怎樣拳擊。他告訴他的朋友：“這是一個粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的兒子怎么去拼搏�！� 朋友：“如果他碰上的對手是一個比他高大，健壯而且也會拳擊的人怎么辦?” 丹：“我也會教他怎么樣賽跑呢�！�

　　10.buying your ticket Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

　　11.Old Farmer Johnson was dying.The family was standing around his bed.With a low voice he said to his wife:"When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

　　Wife:"No,I can't marry anyone after you."

　　Johnson:"But I want you to."

　　Wife:"But why?"

　　Johnson:"Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

　　譯文：

　　老農(nóng)約翰遜就要死了.他的家人都站在床邊.他聲音低沉地對妻子說：“我死后,我想你嫁給農(nóng)夫瓊斯.”

　　妻子說：“不,在你死后,我不能嫁給任何人.”

　　約翰遜：“但我希望你這么做.”

　　妻子：“為什么?”

　　約翰遜：“因為瓊斯曾在一筆販馬的交易中欺騙了我.”

　　12.I'm Trying to Stop It

　　"Boy,why have you got cotton-wool in your ear?Is it infected?"

　　"No,sir,but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other ,so I am trying to stop it."

　　“孩子,你為什么用棉花塞住耳朵?它感染了嗎?”

　　“沒有,老師.可是你昨天說你告訴我的知識都是一個耳朵里進,一個耳朵里出,所以我要把它堵在里面.”

　　“I'm sorry ,Madam ,but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”

　　“Twenty d ollars!Why ,I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

　　“Yes ,but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”

　　“對不起,夫人,為您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元.”

　　“20美元!為什么?不是說好只要4美元.”

　　“是的,但是你的孩子大喊大叫,把另外四個病人嚇跑了.”

　　TWO：Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now,can anyone give me a good example?

　　John：Well ,in the summer the days are long,and in the winter the days are short.

　　老師：我們都知道熱脹冷縮的道理.現(xiàn)在,誰給我舉個例子?

　　約翰：嗯,在夏天天都長,在冬天天都短.

　　13.Two Cute dogs

　　A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him."Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

　　14.The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell. So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?" George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!"

　　典獄長對獄中一位囚犯深感同情，因為每逢周末的探訪日，大多數(shù)囚犯都有家人或朋友來訪，但是可憐的喬治總是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。 因此在一個探訪日，典獄長把喬治叫到辦公室說：“喬治，我注意到從來沒有人來探望過你�！彼麧M懷同情地把手放在喬治的肩膀上：“告訴我，你沒有任何朋友或家人嗎?” 喬治回答：“喔!當然有，典獄長，只不過他們?nèi)�都在這里面!”

　　15.Plagiarism

　　A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St.Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper.He summoned the student to his office."This isn't your work." he said."Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.

　　"You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered.

　　My friend amiled and show him the paper.Circled in red was:"Also see article on communism."

　　抄 襲

　　我有個朋友在圣路易斯的華盛頓大學教歐洲歷史,他說有一次他發(fā)現(xiàn)了一篇抄襲的學期論文.他把那個學生叫到了辦公室.“這不是你寫的,”他說,“有人幫你從百科全書上原封不動地打印了下來.”

　　“你沒有證據(jù).”那學生氣急敗壞地說.

　　我朋友笑了,他把論文拿給他看.用紅筆圈出來的是：“也可參閱*一文.”

　　16.Virtue

　　Many years after receiving my graduate degree,I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member.One day in a crowded elevator,someone remarked on its inefficiency.I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.

　　When the door finally opened,I felt a compassionate pat on my back,and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me."You'll get that degree,dear," she whispered."Perseverance is a virtue."

　　美 德

　　獲取研究生學位多年以后,我回到位于賓翰頓的紐約州立大學當教員.一天,電梯里很擁擠,有人抱怨電梯效率太低.我說自我在那里當學生起,20年來電梯一直沒有換過.

　　最后當電梯門打開時,我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下,回過頭來我看到一位年長的修女正在朝我微笑.“你會拿到學位的,親愛的,”她低聲說道：“堅持不懈是一種美德.”

　　17.Mr.Clark,I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his

　　patient."You only have six months to live."

　　The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes.

　　"I can't possibly pay you in that time."

　　"Okay," the doctor said,"let's make it nine months."

　　九個月吧

　　“克拉克先生,有個壞消息,你只有六個月可活了.”醫(yī)生告訴他的病人.

　　病人驚呆了.“六個月我不可能付清醫(yī)療費.”

　　“好吧,”醫(yī)生說,“那就九個月吧.”

　　18.Difference

　　"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles."When I say,'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond,'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."

　　區(qū) 別

　　“研究生班和本科生很容易就能區(qū)別**,”在洛杉磯加利福利亞州立大學給我們研究生上工程學課的老師如此說.“我說‘下午好’,本科生們回答說‘下午好’.研究生們則把我說的話記在筆記本上.”